HILL: The State of the Union speech Biden should have given

President Joe Biden delivers his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress at the Capitol, as Vice President Kamala Harris and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of Calif., watch, Tuesday, March 1, 2022, in Washington. (Saul Loeb/Pool via AP)

My Fellow Americans: 

During my campaign, I promised to be “honest” with you — even though I ran as a faux moderate and have governed like a left-wing, progressive European socialist.  

Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, let me give it to you straight tonight: I am in way, way over my head. The American people should never have elected me to the single most important job on earth in the first place. 

I have been wrong on virtually every single thing since taking office just over a year ago.  The only thing that might eventually work out could be the $1 trillion infrastructure bill that should fix all of our roads and bridges.  It could have been done for only $170 billion but you know how things are in Washington, D.C. — I signed a bill with a bunch of junk in it just to get it passed. 

My blind, 100% partisan, pursuit of Build Back Better was exactly the wrong policy to pursue at precisely the wrong time. It was never going to be paid for in full anyway — my progressive socialist comrades and I were so blinded by our hatred of the rich that we wanted to punish them for being so rich. 

That’s all it was. Class warfare. 

On everything else, my decisions have been an abysmal failure. I was dead wrong to overturn all of President Trump’s common sense energy policies on Day One, which has made us dependent on foreign oil again and indirectly led to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. My clownish decision on withdrawing troops from Afghanistan ranks as maybe the worst foreign policy failure since my hero, President Jimmy Carter, botched the evacuation of the hostages in Iran in 1979. 

While we are talking about my failed foreign policy, I am quite frankly terrified of Vladimir Putin and Chairman Xi Jinping of China. C’mon man! I got five successive deferments to stay out of the Vietnam War — I sure as heck am not going to commit American troops to any battlefield danger I was unwilling to face for this country. Heck, I was the only person in the Obama Cabinet to oppose the authorization of the strike that killed Osama Bin Laden in 2011, in case you have forgotten. 

The Hounds from Inflation Hell have been unleashed and I quite frankly have no idea what to do about it. I am not an economist or a businessman, you know. I just wanted to be president. 

I know that 41 million of the 81 million voters who voted for me knew very little about my undistinguished career as senator from Delaware or vice-president under Obama in Washington. I made the conscious decision to stay in my basement during the campaign not because of COVID but because I know you hated Donald Trump with a passion and would have voted for Mickey Mouse had he been the Democratic nominee in 2020. 

But it is not too late, even for me.  

From now on, I am going to go back and rescind all of my executive orders and replace all of my policy initiatives with the same ones President Trump had in place that were working and stay off Twitter and say nice things to people from now on. After all, there is no way in Hades my mental or physical health is going to allow me to run again for the White House in 2024 at age 81. I might as well go ahead and do the right thing for the country now since I really am a lame duck and have nothing to worry about electorally anymore. 

I’ll even go one step further than President Trump and say I will veto every new spending bill that does not significantly reduce the deficit and I will sign any spending reduction or entitlement reform bill that curbs federal spending. 

America will get Trump-esque policies and prosperity without his mean tweets. What could be a better state of the union than that going forward? 

God bless you all and America too. We are going to need it.