A letter from Saint Nicholas: Santa Claus is not coming this year

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Children: you need to realize something. Santa Claus is not coming this year with a whole lot of toys and treats. 

COVID business shutdowns have taken their toll everywhere, but nowhere has it hit harder than with dear old Saint Nick’s operations at the North Pole. After all, what other business goes to every single home in the world in one night?

We always have difficulty hitting our Dec. 24 deadline to deliver toys to good little boys and girls all over the world. This year, it appears to be near about impossible.

Santa’s elves have supply-chain management issues just like anyone else. When a toy manufacturing plant is shut down for six months in Malaysia, every business that sells toys made there has to wait for at least six months to get product — my elves can’t get delivery just because they are elves, you know. They tried to find alternative sources, but every toy plant in Asia was shut down for six months so there was nowhere else to turn.

Vice President Kamala Harris said during her trip to Singapore that everyone should buy their Christmas presents early this year because of expected shortages. She was right, of course, but shouldn’t the Second-Person-In-Line-To-The-Presidency be in Washington helping get hostages out of Afghanistan?

Everything the elves need to make toys for kids costs more this year. Lots more in many cases. The cost of plastic is up; the cost of labor — if anyone can find willing workers — is up and the cost of wood for classic, safe and renewable toys…don’t get me started; it has gone through the roof! 

Even in China, of all places! Ho-ho-ho.

We have been doing business in China for decades like every other business in the world because we could get toys from them cheaply. But no longer. We have discussed sourcing toys from other nations because of China’s horrific human rights record, but we just can’t find other places that can make so many toys at such a low cost.

Everything the elves need to make toys for kids costs more this year. Lots more in many cases.

My elves are fighting to find enough shipping containers to transport our products just like every other company in the world. There are bottlenecks galore in the harbors of China unlike anyone has ever seen. Even if we can get toys made somewhere else, we can’t get them to the North Pole because there are no shipping containers to put them in. We need delivery of toys, video games and sleds long before the night before Christmas when I take them out on my sleigh.

Many of the elves refuse to go back to work because they are getting government checks to stay at home. There is no incentive for them to work. They stay at home playing video games that they should be getting ready for me to deliver to you on Christmas Eve.

The cost of gasoline has skyrocketed since America chose Joe Biden to lead their country. Every time gas at the pump goes up 10 cents per gallon, we have to raise the price of our toys because it costs so much to transport them to the North Pole. We can’t print up trillions of dollars like they can at the Federal Reserve, you know.

On top of that, we fully expect further disruptions of shipping lanes and airplane transport flights due to the capitulation of American forces in Afghanistan. None of my elves want to get on an airplane now to visit our suppliers and distributors for fear of being hijacked and flown into a building like what happened on 9/11.

Yes, kiddies, real world problems affect even Old Saint Nick at the North Pole. I have been doing this for a very long, long time and the only other time I have seen anything like this was during the Great Depression when an orange was the only present I could put in your great-grandparents’ stockings, hung by the chimney with care.

If you were expecting a Spiderman or Paw Patrol toy, you might want to lower your sights some.

Merry Christmas, anyway. This Christmas might be a good time to remember what it is all about in the first place.