ZAHRAN: In praise of shrill and humorless women

Mary Zahran

Dear Ladies,

It may seem odd that I would write a thank-you note to women I regard as shrill and humorless, but you ladies have reaffirmed for conservatives the wisdom of being conservative.

First, I would like to thank you, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, for deciding to run for public office. As a public official, you have expressed your dismay that most Americans have disappointed you by not being sufficiently woke to the many social injustices in our country.

With the tone of a disgruntled schoolmarm, you have lectured us on the evils of fossil fuels, giant corporations and flatulent cows. You have spent countless hours trying to convince us that socialism is better than capitalism.

Your hard work has paid off. If any of us wondered if capitalism was better than socialism, we don’t wonder anymore. Your self-righteous and misinformed sermonizing on everything from climate change to concentration camps has reinforced our belief that no financial system on Earth ever has been or ever will be better for its citizens than capitalism. We are eternally grateful for your unintentional reaffirmation of our beliefs.

Next, I would like to thank you, Rashida Tlaib, for your noteworthy contributions to our public discourse. Your first utterance as an elected official of wanting to “impeach the MF,” referring to President Trump, convinced us that you were going to be a singular presence in politics. In the short time since you graced us with your version of Patrick Henry’s “Give me liberty or give me death,” you have continued to be known for your oratory, but for all the wrong reasons.

Recently, you told the Detroit Police chief he should use only blacks to run facial recognition programs on black suspects because “non-African Americans think African Americans all look the same.” The irony of your behavior escapes you; if the president uttered these words, your shouts of “Off with his head” would be heard all the way from Detroit to Washington.

Your provocative use of language extends to your 2020 campaign tee shirts: Who doesn’t want to wear a shirt with the slogan “Impeach the MF” on the front? Who doesn’t want to be put in the awkward position of explaining what MF stands for if, say, a small child asks about your shirt? Thank you for giving every American the chance to be evasive and informative at the same time.

There are so many other women I could thank: Elizabeth Warren, Ilhan Omar and Maxine Waters offer an embarrassment of riches for those of us who have cultivated an appreciation for the shrill and humorless female.

But one shrill and humorless woman stands above the rest, and I reserve my most enthusiastic thanks for her. Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for being the trailblazer who led us into the land of insufferable female politicians — what a journey it has been. From your role as the long-suffering wife who tolerated her husband’s shenanigans in the White House to your role as the world’s worst loser of a presidential election everyone thought you would win, you have reminded us with every interview since your defeat why we are glad you lost.

Your delusional thinking, as seen in your attack on the women who accused your husband of sexual misconduct and your recent assertion that President Trump is “obsessed” with you, laid the groundwork for other women to share their delusional thoughts. Because of you, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can say with certainty that the world will end in 12 years because of climate change, and Elizabeth Warren can suggest that the confiscation of wealth through taxation is good for America.

I thank all of you for presenting such a clear ideological contrast. Not only do you advocate policies that will destroy America, but you do so in a shrill and humorless manner that makes your ideas even more unacceptable.